I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
