You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
