My friends, they love my intelligence
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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