Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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