Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize