I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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