Everything about him screamed your future.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
