is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
