pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
