Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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