Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
