So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
