I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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