my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
