i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
