god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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