Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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