I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Your cock deserves a montage
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
