I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
