She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
