24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
