I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
And then he peed in my hair
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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