i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
