I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
