I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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