there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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