i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
