my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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