Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
