Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
