wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize