Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize