I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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