i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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