The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
