ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
