They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
