the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
