just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I am full of burrito and curiosity
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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