please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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