I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
