last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
sarcasm needs its own font
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
