it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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