8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
