if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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