Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
