thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You ruined the universe
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
