I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm like, not good at living.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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