dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
