Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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