This girl is more easily done than said...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
