just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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