I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
