Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
