Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
