Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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