Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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