I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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